"Not only is God dead , but try to find a plumber on weekends"

Woody Allen

"To you , I'm an atheist , to God , I'm the loyal opposition"

Woody Allen

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter ?"

Woody Allen

"If it turns out that there is a God , I don't think he is evil . But the worst you can say about him is that basically , he's an underachiever"

Woody Allen

"I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for member."

Woody Allen - Annie Hall

"Do you love me? Love is too weak a word. I leuve you. I loave you. I lough you. I have to invent... of course I love you."

Woody Allen - Annie Hall

"You think you're God! I gotta model myself after someone."

Woody Allen - Manhattan

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

"In the event of war, I'm a hostage."

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

"I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss."

"In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."

"They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism."

"This is going to kill my father. He is not going to get as good a seat in the synagogue. He's going to be in the back away from God; far from the action."

"I thought I took it rather well after the circumstances. I tried to run them both over with a car."

"You don't get suspecious when your analyst calls you up at three in the morning and weeps into the telephone?"

"I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you."

"I went into a store, I bought a rifle. I was gonna. . . you know, if they told me that I had a tumor, I was going to kill myself. The only thing that might've stopped me, might've, is my parents would be devastated. I would, I woulda' had to shoot them, also, first. And then, I have an aunt and an uncle, I would have, you know, it would have been a bloodbath."

"I thought your line was great about, uh, "life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." I mean, it's completely true."

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit inmy name at a Swiss bank."

Woody Allen - "Without Feathers"

"The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion."

Woody Allen - Without Feathers

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."

 Woody Allen, quoted in "New YorkTribune", 1975

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One pathleads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction.Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is avery comforting thought - particularly for people who can never rememberwhere they have left things."